Context:

Location: Cumnor, Berkshire, England (SP4604)
Year: Perf. 1895
Time of Occurrence: Christmas
Collective Name: Mummers

Source:

Stephen Roud & Malcolm Bee
Berkshire Mumming Plays: A Geographical Index and Guide to Sources
Folklore Society Library Publications No.7, London: Folklore Society Library, 1991,ISBN 0-1-871903-25-4, pp.68-72

Cast:

Text:

{II CUMNOR}

{THE CHRISTMAS HUMMERS. As played since 1895 annually.}

{Foreman knocks at door and when it is opened he exclaims ina heavy sonorous voice}

[Foreman]

Please to let the Mummers act

FOREMAN:

A room, A room I do presume
for me and my brave gallants all;
please to give us room and rhyme
to act this merry Christmas time.
We'll show you the acts of youth, and the acts of age;
likewise not acted on any common stage.
For we are not any of the rant-tant-terrier sort
we are some of the Royal of Spain.
We have travelled Ireland, Scotland, Spain
and now we're back in old England again,
And if you don't believe in all this I say
Step in King William and clear the way.

KING WILLIAM:

In comes King William the Noble Knight
who lost his blood by English fight
and with English nation
thats what makes me carry this awful weapon.
Where is the man who dares to bid me stand
I'll knock him down with my corageous hand
I'll cut him and hew him as small as flies
and send him to the cook-shop to make mince pies,
for I value neither Greek, Duke or Turk,
or any other man that dares to bid me hurt;
I'll let all nations ring
for I am the Gallant Prussian King
born to defend all Christians [rights]
I have fought my battles at home and abroad
and if this aint true upon my word
step in Bull Slash.

BULL SLASH:

I am a valiant soldier brave and Bull Slasher is my name,
with sword and buckle by my side I hope to win the game.

FOREMAN:

Bull Slash, Bull Slash, dont be too hot
for in this room not a friend thou'st got

BULL SLASH:

Where is the man that dared to bid me stand,
he said he'd knock me down with his courageous hand
cut me and hew me as small as flies
and send me to the cook-shop to make mince pies;
But I'll cut him and hew him as small as flies
and send him to the cook-shop to make mince pies.
Bold French Officer, Bold French Officer
[many a time] hast thou driven me across yon fields to fly
but now I've come with my heart and mind to try;
So mind thy head
likewise thy body and face all foes,
for a battle, a battle bettwixt thee and I
to see which on the ground shall lie.

{They fight and King William gets wounded badly.}

FOREMAN:

Doctor, Doctor come and see
King William's wounded Bitterly
Doctor, Doctor play thy part
King William's wounded to his heart.

DOCTOR:

FEE, SIR, FEE

FOREMAN:

Doctor, Doctor what is thy fee
to cure King William and set him free

DOCTOR:

TEN Pounds is my fee,
but only five I'll take of thee
for I am a doctor and a doctor good
with my pills I can do this man good
my pills I can do this man good
my pills shall work him through and through
cure his body and stomach too,
for I aint one of these quack Doctors that travel about
I travel about for the good of the country
either to kill or to cure

FOREMAN:

What diseases can'st thee cure

DOCTOR:

ALL sorts of diseases,
just which my physic pleases;
the Hitch, the stitch, the palsy, and the gout,
pains within and pains without
(Bony scrubs, Bony scrubs
such as any old woman could mention in a fortnight;)
Bring to me any old woman eight years dead,
ten years buried and ninety years laid in her grave
as long as she has got one hollow stump or old jack tooth in her head
and can crack one of my pills
I'm bound to bet ten thousand pounds she comes to life again

FOREMAN:

Doctor, Doctor Haste away
King Wiliam can no longer stay.

DOCTOR:

Well Prussian King
how long has this pain took thee?

KING WILLIAM:

A fortnight afore I found on't, and three weeks arter it got well.

DOCTOR:

Bring my spectacles Jack
some as I can see twelve months forader in.

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir,
yer's a pair thee canst see two years forrard in

DOCTOR:

Bring my smelling bottle Jack.

FOREMAN:

Yes sir.

DOCTOR:

Shake him Jack

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

SNiff hard King
{King smells bottle raising a little to do so}
Bring my pill Box Jack.

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

Take one of [my] pills Prussian King.
they'll melt in thy mouth like a horseshoe,
grind in thee maw like a mill stone
run down thee throat like a wheelbarrow
then come back to me like a twopenny rubber,
Hadn't that ought to do him some good then, Jack.

FOREMAN:

Ha! well I should think so

DOCTOR:

Bring my poker Jack.

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

Hot him Jack.

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

Frizzles well Jack

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

Bring me my pliers Jack

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

DOCTOR:

Help me Jack

FOREMAN:

Yes Sir

{They extract a tooth & hold it up for the audience to see from the King}

DOCTOR:

Look at this terrible, terrible tooth I have just drawn from this man;
three sprangs to it like a dung fork
more like an Elephant tooth than a Christians'.
Hadnt that ought to pain any man then Jack

FOREMAN:

Ha! well I should think so!

DOCTOR:

Rise up King William and fight thy battle once again
and I'll bet ten thousand pounds thee bist a better man than thee wast afore.

{He helps the King to his feet) (They fight again and Bull Slash gets wounded.}

DOCTOR:

Look at this terrible, terrible thing
I have just cured one man and set him free
and hes been and killed another,
if anybody can say or do any more than this
Step in Jack Finney

JACK FINNEY:

My name is not Jack Finney
my name is Mr. Finney
A man of great fame
can do more than thee or any other man of name

DOCTOR:

Ha! what can'st thee doo so much then Jack.

JACK FINNEY:

HO! cure a magpie with the toothache
and how dost think I does that?

DOCTOR:

How dost think I knows?

JACK FINNEY:

Why I cuts his head off and chucks his body in the ditch.

DOCTOR:

O thou barbarous rascal:
a quick way of doing it Jack.

JACK FINNEY:

Any more barbarous than thou,
thee has just burnt a poor mans tooth out with a red hot poker
and besides all this I can cure this man if he aint quite dead.
Young man I say unto thee Arise.

FOREMAN:

Ride in O Belzebub

{[He rides in on anothers back}

BELLZEBUB:

In comes I who aint bin hit
with my big head and little wit
my heads so big my wits so small
Stop my nag, Jack, Whoa

{Finney stops the one acting as horse}

JACK FINNEY:

Whoa, Wee, Whoa!

BELLZEBUB:

Over my shoulder I carry my club
in my hand my dripping pan
and dont you think Im a jolly old man.

FOREMAN:

Hey Father, you silly ass you lives upon grass
thou hast gone too far to view a stranger
I lives in hopes to buy some ropes
to tie thy old nose to the manger.

BELLZEBUB:

Belt my nag out Jack.
My Father he killed a fat hog and that youll plainly
see my mother gave me the Bladder to make a hurdy gurdy
With a hey ding dong
and a ho ding dong
and a hey ding dong a derry
weve all come here this Christmas-time
to make you all so merry.

{All join in and sing Auld Lang Syoe and any other songs if requested.}

Notes:

Roud and Bee's Introduction, p.68

Text from Fred Saunders, Bee Collection, Entry 059, with additions in square brackets from Fred Coster, Bee Collection, entry 062.

Roud and Bee's Entry 059 for Cumnor

059 Bee Collection: Text [reproduced on pages 68 -72 of this] publication] from Fred Saunders, taken from manuscript of Bert Buckingham, pre-1914 player.

Biographical Notes in Informants

Albert Buckingham, born c.1860 at Stanton Harcourt, Oxfordshire, according to censuses 1861-1911.
Resident in Stanton Harcourt in 1871, agricultural labourer
Resident in Eynsham, Oxfordshire 1881, 1891 & 1901, carpenter & wheelwright
Resident in Cumnor, 1911, widowed wheelwright
Died 1934, in Oxfordshire
Married sometime before 1891 to Annie, born c.1859-1861 in Oxfordshire
On the basic of this information, it seems that while Saunders acquired Buckingham's manuscript while he was living in Cumnor, Buckingham's text would have been performed in Stanton Harcourt, Oxfordshire in 1895, rather than in Cumnor. The two villages are adjacent, but separated by the barrier of the River Thames. The distance between them by road is about 7 miles. Eynsham is only 3 miles from Stanton Harcourt, on the same side of the river.
I have not been able to find information about Fred Saunders, as the name was too common in and around north Berkshire.
The only Fred Coster I have found was born in Longworth, Berkshire, c.1862. 1891 census.

Indexer's Notes

The entry numbers in Roud & Bee's introduction refer to entries in their geographical index.

File History:

2024-03-04 - Encoded by Peter Millington
2024-03-05 - TEI-encoded by Peter Millington

Extras:

TEI-encoded File

A TEI-encoded XML version of this text can be downloaded here.

Text Relatives Map

See how many of the lines in this text also appear in other plays:
  • As a histogram sorted by the number of shared lines
  • On a map with markers sized according to the number of shared lines